god's write son

I've stood there on that cliff
Wondering if I should throw myself in
Is self-destruction really a sin
Maybe I don't have vertigo
Maybe it's an overwhelming desire to fail,
In order to win

I can't help but dwell on my mother
With nothing left but an aging back
Without the support of her only son
His final selfish act
Leaving her to find that bottle in which I helped 26 years ago to detach from her grasp

I revert to my brother
With energy & enlightenment
With selfish lusts of the road less traveled & it's fortuitous embrace
Fuck that I am hiking to the woods & pitching a tent
Transferring anger to silence
Tired of paying dues & energies inability to pay rent

I think of my sister
Heavy heart I would miss her
Heavy head spinning with the pull of symbolic alcoholic gravity
Last thought before the trigger
Hold tight like the ink to my skin & kiss her

To all my friends who receive this gift as finite & giving
Scraping grills & scraping by 
The proof has never been in the pudding
With all your efforts stretched out like canvas with no idea of what to paint
It's in the booth & acrylics
Anything played out on any string
My corporate bailout without any taxing breaks or complaint

Last but not least, my father
He would break like a man never should 
In that small college town professing his existence
What could have brought me to his attention
A single sentence floating like an idea to the paper
You did everything you could

To the society that has influenced my disruption
You created the devil in order to cop out god's word
You said he had our best interests with his mighty hand
I feel for you 
You must be confused 
Every time you watch news
Pain & sorrow
Everything that follows
Death & destruction
Like an everyday function
Why we feel the need to be living sacrifices
Is what I don't understand
I know that the floods will come
& we can't save everyone
Ignorance is love
That is God's evacuation plan

To the redwood forest 
The final retreat
The ocean battling to overtake the mountain side 
& the trees fighting back for their own air to breathe
Where it seems my two earths meet
This is where I make my advance to the universe & it's abundant laws of energy
On a branch, on a cliff, over the ocean
The last time you hear from me

This is where I say to stars flickering as if they've already checked out
Back to my head
No angel or devil can lay claim to this soul
Living between north & south

Whoever you are 
I believe you took the wrong son
There was no sacrifice in glory
Just another sad story
I've become
Another one of the creators cretins, creating creative non-fiction
But I'm tired of lying to eveyone

Why am I still here 
Out of love
Out of fear
As the days grow longer
I often ponder
Can I make it through another year
Thinking of myself as a lonesome prairie
A city of innovation with skyscrapers arching for new heights
During the days, things seem ok
But at night
At night
In the back of my car & at the front of my mind
Is it right to take what's mine
What you'd call my life
Either way it was never my fight

People standing here in front of me tall like cathedrals 
People that break skin with medicine like hypodermic needles
Keeping me alive
Keeping me feeble

The only thing to take from this life
Is the ability to live through it
Whether you get a hammer to break the ice
Or you're treading water
Stabbing at it with a toothpick
Everyday is ever-changing 
So which category do your boots fit
Cause the truth is
You'll never understand the way I feel
Until you're living on this rupturing fault line of right & wrong
Staring at your effect on the world 
Questioning whether you've got the guts to do it

Max BarsnessComment